Sometimes.....

I really don't know why the hell I bother with my family. Sure, I love them, they're great but goddamnit they're nuts! They put the fun in dysfunctional.


Case in point:

Pop-pop asks me if he can borrow my enclosed trailer to take all the bikes, washing machine, dryer, sink, crystal, tables, living room accouterments, etc... down to Hilton Head. Ok I lied about all the stuff past the bikes but you get the point.
His logical rationale is, somewhere between 5 and 72 people, 6 bikes and 2 vehicles plus all the stuff they bring with them is too much to carry. I can dig it.

I arrange to clean it out, check the tire pressures and get the trailer to him this past weekend. We stipulate the tires need to be replaced since they're just shy of 10 years. He's ok with that given it will cost less to drag this trailer down to HHI than rent a U-Haul special. He asks me what size the trailer is and I explain it's a 6x10 enclosed single axle trailer. He's ok with this.

Saturday morning and we're off the see the Wizard with the trailer behind the big SUV. I'm flying down the twisty backroads and I don't even know its there.

We arrive safely and I back the trailer into the driveway. Let the fun begin. I know things are not going well when my father looks at it and mentions it's a big trailer. No it's not. It's a 6X10 trailer which isn't large by any stretch of the imagination. He's not convinced. I'm off to a trailer place to purchase some new safetay chains and a receiver/ball for his tow vehicle.

1530: I leave Cap City with only a receiver and ball because well, they're a trailer place so why the hell would they have trailer parts?

1555: I arrive at Home Depot in Germantown and begin to hunt down the pieces parts for my chain replacement. I'm in the hardware section and, lo and behold, they have trailer pieces parts; receivers, balls, chains, chips, dips, whips.

1615: I evacuate Home Depot with my parts in the bag.

1645: I arrive back at Casa Dey La Loco to install the parts.

1750: It's not going well, at all.

1820: I'm done. My mistake was purchasing chain that was a tad too thick for the links to connect to the hooks. Whats a tad you might ask? A tad is where you need to perform percussive maintenance to insert one thing into another. I messed it up, badly. However, it all locks together and regardless I wouldn't let the trailer go if I thought it was dangerous.

1825: I drag Pop-pop out to attach his tow vehicle to the trailer and test the lights.

It doesn't go too well.

1835: I've figured out the proiblems, corrision, and all he needs to do is have 4 wee little bulbs replaced and apply dielectric grease to the contact points. He'll do that when he has the new tires installed.
(side note:) he's been in the house giving morose updates as to the status of the lighting and other items of interest. My mother is fuming now.

1840: We're off to play test drive.

It doesn't go too well. He's acting all quiet and reserved, like he's afraid....of....something. Wait! I know, it's the trailer. That hulking mass of shiny aluminum, steel, rubber and wood has him quaking in his boots but because he's accustomed to dealing with nerve racking situations he doesn't show it. He's one cool customer...that Russian...


Some background is needed. I've been dragging trailers behind me for many years. Some no longer than 12-14 feet, some as long as 40 feet and weighing in excess of 15,000 lbs. In that time I have managed to get stuck, nearly jack knife and damage pieces and parts so I have learned my lessons. I also learned early on not to look over my shoulder to guide the trailer into a parking space.

So, anyway, back to the story.

I take the tow vehicle and trailer down the hill to the court and proceed to demonstrate how easy it is to back this thing into a space. I also try to demonstrate the proper technique to follow when backing a trailer. I turn it over to him. In case you're wondering, no, he didn't fail miserably but he exhibited the exact same mistakes a newcomer to towing would exhibit. I expected this and it was easy to catch. Still with me?

We practice and practice and to be a smart ass I back the trailer from the main road, up the court, around the circle and back again. He's asking me how the hell I did that. Secret squirrel stuff.

Practice grasshopper, practice my, umm, father and you shall achieve trailer towing nirvana.

Some of the fundementals I've noticed over the years with trailers:

1: They always, well almost, always follow you wherever you go
2: They will almost always display electrical problems after you have made the connections, verified they work and then disappear as fast as you can find them.
2: You will inevitably round a corner and forget the trailer always takes a shorter path than the tow vehicle and boing! up it goes on the curb or you wipe out the odd sign/post/shrubbery.
3: The ability of the trailer to follow you without wagging its tail is directly proportional to the amount of weight you place ahead of the axle. I've had trailers whipping so badly in the ruts formed on highways I had to drive with the right side on the shoulder. It scares the crap out of you because it comes on suddenly.

So, back to Pop-pop. He has successfully backed the trailer into his driveway and blocked it and now he's offering me cash for taking it home. Sure, I'll take it home and I won't take the $$.

I insist I don't care and in essence I don't because I can drag that trailer around with me and it doesn't bother me. I like watching the rear tires on the trailer launch a foot in the air when I hit a dip in the road. Really, it's rather comical.

On the other hand I do care because its an admission of failure on his part and I don't want to see my prodigy fail. He must succeed! The fate of the entire world rests upon his weary shoulders and chicken legs! Ok, maybe not the entire world but our little corner of it is going to suck like a Hoover if he can't take control of this situation.

Mimi's pissed now. She refuses to discuss this. She refuses to consider any further discussions regarding this. She's to the point now if you were to light a match in her prescence she's likely lift off.

Pop-pop did it....

to be continued...